Learning to be Assertive

Are you the type of person who can never say “no”? If you are honest, would you have to admit that “no” is not a part of your vocabulary? Are you overly concerned with never offending anyone? Would you consider yourself to be a people pleaser? Then reading this article is for you.

Sally is a stay-at-home mom. She feels blessed that her husband is able to financially care for the family so that she can stay home and care for their three children. She rises early to prepare breakfast for the family and then get her housework completed. She is really looking forward to having some time for her to do whatever she wishes. But then Sally’s friend calls and asks that Sally baby-sit for her friend’s two-year-old.

As a matter of fact, this friend calls on a regular basis asking for special favors. Sally was really looking forward to having this time to herself. Sally could respond to her friend in basically one of three ways.

1. She could be non-assertive and say, “Well, I really had something planned, but it is okay bring her over.” There is a very good possibility that saying yes when she really wanted to say “no” would cause Sally to feel resentful.
2. Sally could be aggressive and say “I grow weary of helping you out all of the time, you never help me out when I need help.
3. Sally could respond assertively by saying politely “I would really like to help you out. but I have something else planned and will not be able to accommodate you.”

Sally’s friend knows that Sally often has trouble saying “no”. Sally is concerned that if she says no that her friend may get angry with her. Sally has a hard time with having someone upset with her so Sally will say yes when she wants to say “no”.

Sally’s Mom brought her up to always put other’s needs before her own. Sally has a hard time with any type of conflict. She avoids conflicts at all costs as she would never want anyone to be displeased with her. Sally is weary of feeling like she is a doormat for others. There is hope for Sally as she can learn to be assertive. Even though Sally did not learn to be assertive as a child, she can learn this skill now as an adult.

One of the best ways to understand what being assertive is by comparing it with other communication styles. Examples of being non-assertive would be saying, “Would you, could you, instead of will you”? Other examples would be discounting a compliment by saying “Oh, it was nothing”, “Anyone could have done that”, “Yes, but I could have done a much better job”. Examples of non-verbal communication would be things like not making eye contact.

Being assertive is based on the premise that everyone possesses certain human rights. These rights include the following:

1. The right to be treated with respect and dignity,
2. The right to say yes or say not to a request made of us without feeling guilty,
3. The right to expect that our needs are as important as others,
4. The right to express ourselves as long as we do not violate the rights of others, and
5. the right to make mistakes. Mistakes are a learning experience. They are a part of being human.

There is no such thing as perfection this side of heaven. I often talk with my clients about being “mistake friendly,” i.e., what can I learn from this as opposed to emotionally beating oneself up when a mistake is made.

Earlier I spoke of three response styles: non-assertive, aggressive, and assertive. Non- assertive or passive essentially means allowing others to make decisions for you, as you fear anger or non-acceptance if you assert yourself. Others achieve their goal at your expense. Your rights are violated. You conclude that it is wrong for me to ever make anyone feel uncomfortable or displeased. It is okay that I am displeased.

Aggressive response means that you achieve your goal at the expense of others. I end up putting others down to protect myself. Assertive means choosing for myself. My rights are respected without violating the rights of others.

So lets say that you are passive. How do you change that about yourself?

Assertiveness is a skill and is learned by practicing assertive behaviors. Someone pays you a compliment. You respond assertively by saying “Thank you”. Your friend has a habit of showing up late for dates. You respond assertively by saying: “I have been waiting for thirty minutes. I would appreciate your calling me when you are going to be late.” A co-worker has harshly criticized you. You respond assertively by saying: “I would appreciate it if you can be specific about your concerns as opposed to identifying my work as garbage.”

Finally, we can derive Biblical examples of assertiveness by looking at the life of Jesus. One of my favorite examples is found in the 5th chapter of the gospel of John. Jesus did not pity the man who had been paralyzed for thirty-eight years. Jesus assertively said to him: “Do you want to be healed?” The paralytic responded in a passive manner: “Sir there is no one to put me in the pool…” Again, Jesus did not say “Oh you poor thing.” His response was “Pick up your bed and walk.” 2nd Timothy 1:7 says “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity-of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear-but of power and love and calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. Proverbs 13:3 says: “He who rebukes a man shall afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue.”

If you often feel like a doormat, I want to challenge you to start today to become a more assertive person. You will be pleased with the outcome!